“What was really happening”: The album Trent Reznor was lying to himself creating
Like most musicians, Trent Reznor uses personal experience to bridge the gap between music and artistic expression. However, unlike many, Reznor has also had his share of demons, often not even realising so until long after a record has been released. While some begin as their usual journey into unexplored territories, some have served as a wake-up call.
Darkness pervades the skies of rock ‘n’ roll throughout history, with many stars falling victim to substance or excess as a means to escape or cope. Unlike the cases where artists do so safely or as a conduit to greater expression—like The Beatles and LSD—most of the time, the “sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll” lifestyle is a sure path down a helpless and hopeless road.
For Reznor, realising his problem didn’t occur like a lightbulb one day after he had made a mistake. It lurked insidiously, exacerbating over time, rearing its head in some of the most unexpected settings. He knew he needed it, but it wasn’t until after he realised how much it was destroying anything and everything in its path. And it really was.
One of the biggest epiphanies was his experience during the tour following The Fragile. Reznor wasn’t just scooting by, emerging on stage before rinsing and repeating the following day; he was in a place he didn’t recognise, and everybody around him knew it, too. As he explained to Spin: “That whole tour, I was in a constant state of withdrawal and sickness. Then the label had had enough, and the public seemed to have had enough, and I’d had enough… It led me down a very dark and terrible path.”
Though Reznor’s realisation could have come a lot sooner, the depths of addiction prevented him from lifting his head for air, leaving him in a constant struggle between poor mental health, fatigue, and conflict with living up to expectations. He spent the entire making of The Fragile in complete denial, which is a terrifying concept, considering he now reflects on that time from a completely different mindset.
Discussing the preconceived predictions that permeate the walls of The Downward Spiral, he told Uncut about the obliviousness that defined The Fragile, and how he felt he was “lying” to himself, even then. “Oddly enough, that album began my own personal plummet into the depths of addiction and finding out my way doesn’t work and that I needed people and help every once in a while and I am human after all,” he said, adding, “That’s why the records since then have taken such a long time. On 1999’s The Fragile I was still lying to myself about what was really happening.”
Reznor only realised the severity of his addiction in 2001, when he saw the same things happen to friends around him and began to understand that he was headed down the same path. It wasn’t easy, and his self-esteem was on the floor, but if he wanted to get better and continue doing what he loved, there was only one path to take, and he took it.
